For those of you who pay attention to my Facebook, you have learned by now that while I may post often I am usually quite vague or superficial in my postings. I prefer to remain mostly private. If I confide in you at all, you are one of the chosen few I have decided to allow in that small inner circle. Today I am throwing this out the window. I am baring a part of my soul for all to see, if for no other reason than to have more people holding me accountable for my future actions than I currently allow.
My few confidantes are also aware that I have struggled greatly with self-esteem issues most of my years here on Earth, and I have let this struggle affect me far too greatly in all aspects of my life. Most importantly I have let it affect my ability to contribute monetarily to our household income on a consistent basis and to provide for myself and my children in the event that we find ourselves alone one day. I know feminists everywhere are cringing this very moment. It is embarrassing to acknowledge this, but it is a fact that I must confront and put out there for everyone to see. I want everyone to know that I am not blind to it and that I am shakily readying myself to take a deep plunge into territory which greatly terrifies me.
While it is true that I have always had the deep desire to be a stay-at-home-mom, I have also had several secret dreams and ambitions throughout the ages. A few of these hidden/semi-hidden desires have included singing, acting, writing, teaching, and small business entrepreneur of various types (sweets, sandwiches, crafts, etc). For some obvious and perhaps not-so-obvious reasons I have discarded many of these dreams. Some were silly to begin with, many simply do not appeal to me anymore, but a couple remain constant.
I have been having conversations with a former high school English teacher recently, and my passion for writing has been rekindled. I once wrote poetry and prose on an almost daily basis. Though I do not have a flair for that style of writing it was once a great channel for my anger, pain and sadness. My writing strength may lie within the papers required of me in the couple years of college I attended. I'm not sure. It's just a guess because I have never truly thought of myself as a "great" writer. It has been some time since I wrote anything of substance, and I am quite a bit more than rusty. In an effort to hone any skill I may possess I have created this blog. It is my first effort at taking control of my crippling lack of self-esteem.
A conversation I had with my husband just today is what sparked the inception of this idea to work on creating myself and letting go of the negative self image I have been allowing to hold me back for so long. We were discussing various personal things, and we stumbled into this particular topic at the tail-end of the discussion. We didn't go as in-depth as I would eventually like to go with him, but I have been thinking more and more about it.
My other remaining secret ambition is to run my own business. I know so many people who have embarked on this journey, following their passion and creating their own business, and have I silently envied their nerve. As we discussed a couple possibilities, my husband's exact words to me were, "I mean why NOT? Why not YOU? Everybody else has started somewhere." Good point, husband. Why not me?!! I can think of one reason, but only one reason: I don't know precisely what I could possibly be good enough at to make people want to buy into me. After I have that figured out, why NOT me? There isn't a reason in the world I cannot overcome this self-inflicted obstacle.
As I stated in the beginning, I am opening-up about this embarrassing quality of mine in hopes that I and many others will begin to hold me accountable for my inaction. Gentle nudges may be uncomfortable for me, but it is greatly needed and will be much appreciated in the long run. I am also hoping that someone out there can give me some direction or guidance. I don't know where to begin to find what it is I have to offer the world that no one else is offering in the way that I can. I am seeking ideas and encouragement. I know it is a lot to ask from you, but I am hoping to build myself and my life into what I know we CAN be.
Okay ... now to take a deep breath and complete the personally petrifying action of publishing this extremely private revelation ...
That was written so well. I'm sure you could freelance as a writer while your business gets started.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.amazon.com/Womans-Guide-Starting-Business-Third/dp/0805011404
ReplyDeleteComing from a talented writer-friend, this means LOADS to me! I don't think you'd say it if you didn't believe it. (I'm buying the book you posted.)
ReplyDeleteFrom the second you pushed enter, you began your journey, and I'm so honored just to be a reading companion along the way. I know I will learn from every syllable you write because you already started teaching me from the first message I read the end of July when I was so fortunate to find you after all these years. Since then, you've kept me on my toes, forcing me to make my evening meal a dictionary and a thesaurus to keep up. The layers you begin to peel away in the beginning are going to be painful, but you're made of "sterner stuff" and will be able to tackle this with all four "paws," claws bare. (I'm not happy with this post, so I'll more than likely delete and rewrite it later, if that's an option. You know you'll have to teach me,as usual.)
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your blog, a friend posted it to her fb profile. HER WORDS: "Wanted to share this with you all....SHE IS SUCH A TALENTED WRITER, so please enjoy!!!" She said a lot more in a message to me, and I'm sure she will respond herself. This is just one example of the response to your writing.
ReplyDeleteWords are hard to describe how I feel after reading your blog... It was through a dear friend Lisa Johnson that I was informed of your writings. You seem to put your heart and soul into every chosen word.... regardless of the pain, fear of overcoming whatever in your life or what others may judge as they read each and every word that you have shared with all of us! I am very appreciative and honored that you've allowed me to enjoy your journaling. My love for reading and writing have always been something that is a daily passion for me. But, compared to your writings, mine are just a chip of a large mountain to the way you relate your feelings. Please know that you have probably touched others that you are not aware of or probably will never know about. This is what is so special.... the fact that God has given you such a talent! I pray someone will recognize what you have to offer and that your thought processing ability, written/typed on paper will NEVER go unnoticed!!!!;p
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