*** As you read today's post, please keep in mind that I am not writing this entry as a cry out for some kind of "pep talk." Although filled with good intentions, those speeches nauseate me. My darker posts help my mind work through things I might not otherwise see. This blog/journal is my personal therapy. Nothing more. Nothing less.
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My mind has been in such a dark place lately that I have had difficulty writing anything to share. It is hard to even put together proper sentences, much less multiple paragraphs of useful insight.
So much for working on creating myself this past week. I've been a bloody mess, and the only way I know to change this is to let myself go numb. Is "numb" a place I should dare to go? What Love has ever grown in that state? At least numb would let me function, as opposed to the basketcase I have become by allowing myself to feel all this pain. Both feeling and unfeeling will not let me move forward to the place I need to be. Isn't there a happy medium? Why can't I choose what to feel and what not to feel?
My mind keeps escaping to that deep chasm I swore it would never dwell again. Perhaps two people in existence know what place I speak of. It's a place I lived two and a half years ago, and only through the grace of God, the innocence of my daughters and the help of a dear friend who refused to let go of me in my darkest hour was I able to make it out. I know in my heart things could be worse. I have three beautiful blessings in my life as long as I can manage to not screw that up. I just need to find the place in my mind where that type of Light illuminates even those darkest corners to which I continue to retreat.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
When a Woman Loves
When a woman loves the smell in the air changes.
Morning dew tastes a little bit sweeter,
And the warm glow of sunset lingers just a tad longer.
Her love is a gift
An offering
On the altar of The Divine
Spun with golden threads of sacrifice ...
That selfless giving of her Everything.
When a woman loves she loves with her whole heart.
She loves with her mind, her body, her soul, her mouth, her skin ...
A woman loves with her essence, her very breath, her Being.
When a woman truly loves
It consumes her
And she yearns to be consumed.
Crys Greene
My Own Worst Enemy
I already feel the fear and self-loathing working their dark magic on me. I didn't write at all yesterday. I used exhaustion as an excuse. Waking at 2 am wouldn't stop a normal person from accomplishing a daily goal, but I am no normal person. I have some excruciating things going on in my life right now. Most people are able to play through that type of pain, but I have a pessimistic nature and a tendency to give up. Those are not very useful tools for a woman trying to create herself from the inside out. How do I channel this into something I can use? That's what the most courageous souls do. They experience heartache, but they use it to their own benefit and to the benefit of others. I want to be courageous. I want to take this pain and fear and somehow use it to conjure a message of Hope, Perserverance and Love. I want to be one of those souls who create a glow which warms the cold and weary and instills a sense of Purpose and Light.
This is my war within, and today is only one of many future battles between Darkness and Light.
This is my war within, and today is only one of many future battles between Darkness and Light.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Yeah ... why NOT me too?!!
For those of you who pay attention to my Facebook, you have learned by now that while I may post often I am usually quite vague or superficial in my postings. I prefer to remain mostly private. If I confide in you at all, you are one of the chosen few I have decided to allow in that small inner circle. Today I am throwing this out the window. I am baring a part of my soul for all to see, if for no other reason than to have more people holding me accountable for my future actions than I currently allow.
My few confidantes are also aware that I have struggled greatly with self-esteem issues most of my years here on Earth, and I have let this struggle affect me far too greatly in all aspects of my life. Most importantly I have let it affect my ability to contribute monetarily to our household income on a consistent basis and to provide for myself and my children in the event that we find ourselves alone one day. I know feminists everywhere are cringing this very moment. It is embarrassing to acknowledge this, but it is a fact that I must confront and put out there for everyone to see. I want everyone to know that I am not blind to it and that I am shakily readying myself to take a deep plunge into territory which greatly terrifies me.
While it is true that I have always had the deep desire to be a stay-at-home-mom, I have also had several secret dreams and ambitions throughout the ages. A few of these hidden/semi-hidden desires have included singing, acting, writing, teaching, and small business entrepreneur of various types (sweets, sandwiches, crafts, etc). For some obvious and perhaps not-so-obvious reasons I have discarded many of these dreams. Some were silly to begin with, many simply do not appeal to me anymore, but a couple remain constant.
I have been having conversations with a former high school English teacher recently, and my passion for writing has been rekindled. I once wrote poetry and prose on an almost daily basis. Though I do not have a flair for that style of writing it was once a great channel for my anger, pain and sadness. My writing strength may lie within the papers required of me in the couple years of college I attended. I'm not sure. It's just a guess because I have never truly thought of myself as a "great" writer. It has been some time since I wrote anything of substance, and I am quite a bit more than rusty. In an effort to hone any skill I may possess I have created this blog. It is my first effort at taking control of my crippling lack of self-esteem.
A conversation I had with my husband just today is what sparked the inception of this idea to work on creating myself and letting go of the negative self image I have been allowing to hold me back for so long. We were discussing various personal things, and we stumbled into this particular topic at the tail-end of the discussion. We didn't go as in-depth as I would eventually like to go with him, but I have been thinking more and more about it.
My other remaining secret ambition is to run my own business. I know so many people who have embarked on this journey, following their passion and creating their own business, and have I silently envied their nerve. As we discussed a couple possibilities, my husband's exact words to me were, "I mean why NOT? Why not YOU? Everybody else has started somewhere." Good point, husband. Why not me?!! I can think of one reason, but only one reason: I don't know precisely what I could possibly be good enough at to make people want to buy into me. After I have that figured out, why NOT me? There isn't a reason in the world I cannot overcome this self-inflicted obstacle.
As I stated in the beginning, I am opening-up about this embarrassing quality of mine in hopes that I and many others will begin to hold me accountable for my inaction. Gentle nudges may be uncomfortable for me, but it is greatly needed and will be much appreciated in the long run. I am also hoping that someone out there can give me some direction or guidance. I don't know where to begin to find what it is I have to offer the world that no one else is offering in the way that I can. I am seeking ideas and encouragement. I know it is a lot to ask from you, but I am hoping to build myself and my life into what I know we CAN be.
Okay ... now to take a deep breath and complete the personally petrifying action of publishing this extremely private revelation ...
My few confidantes are also aware that I have struggled greatly with self-esteem issues most of my years here on Earth, and I have let this struggle affect me far too greatly in all aspects of my life. Most importantly I have let it affect my ability to contribute monetarily to our household income on a consistent basis and to provide for myself and my children in the event that we find ourselves alone one day. I know feminists everywhere are cringing this very moment. It is embarrassing to acknowledge this, but it is a fact that I must confront and put out there for everyone to see. I want everyone to know that I am not blind to it and that I am shakily readying myself to take a deep plunge into territory which greatly terrifies me.
While it is true that I have always had the deep desire to be a stay-at-home-mom, I have also had several secret dreams and ambitions throughout the ages. A few of these hidden/semi-hidden desires have included singing, acting, writing, teaching, and small business entrepreneur of various types (sweets, sandwiches, crafts, etc). For some obvious and perhaps not-so-obvious reasons I have discarded many of these dreams. Some were silly to begin with, many simply do not appeal to me anymore, but a couple remain constant.
I have been having conversations with a former high school English teacher recently, and my passion for writing has been rekindled. I once wrote poetry and prose on an almost daily basis. Though I do not have a flair for that style of writing it was once a great channel for my anger, pain and sadness. My writing strength may lie within the papers required of me in the couple years of college I attended. I'm not sure. It's just a guess because I have never truly thought of myself as a "great" writer. It has been some time since I wrote anything of substance, and I am quite a bit more than rusty. In an effort to hone any skill I may possess I have created this blog. It is my first effort at taking control of my crippling lack of self-esteem.
A conversation I had with my husband just today is what sparked the inception of this idea to work on creating myself and letting go of the negative self image I have been allowing to hold me back for so long. We were discussing various personal things, and we stumbled into this particular topic at the tail-end of the discussion. We didn't go as in-depth as I would eventually like to go with him, but I have been thinking more and more about it.
My other remaining secret ambition is to run my own business. I know so many people who have embarked on this journey, following their passion and creating their own business, and have I silently envied their nerve. As we discussed a couple possibilities, my husband's exact words to me were, "I mean why NOT? Why not YOU? Everybody else has started somewhere." Good point, husband. Why not me?!! I can think of one reason, but only one reason: I don't know precisely what I could possibly be good enough at to make people want to buy into me. After I have that figured out, why NOT me? There isn't a reason in the world I cannot overcome this self-inflicted obstacle.
As I stated in the beginning, I am opening-up about this embarrassing quality of mine in hopes that I and many others will begin to hold me accountable for my inaction. Gentle nudges may be uncomfortable for me, but it is greatly needed and will be much appreciated in the long run. I am also hoping that someone out there can give me some direction or guidance. I don't know where to begin to find what it is I have to offer the world that no one else is offering in the way that I can. I am seeking ideas and encouragement. I know it is a lot to ask from you, but I am hoping to build myself and my life into what I know we CAN be.
Okay ... now to take a deep breath and complete the personally petrifying action of publishing this extremely private revelation ...
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