*** As you read today's post, please keep in mind that I am not writing this entry as a cry out for some kind of "pep talk." Although filled with good intentions, those speeches nauseate me. My darker posts help my mind work through things I might not otherwise see. This blog/journal is my personal therapy. Nothing more. Nothing less.
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My mind has been in such a dark place lately that I have had difficulty writing anything to share. It is hard to even put together proper sentences, much less multiple paragraphs of useful insight.
So much for working on creating myself this past week. I've been a bloody mess, and the only way I know to change this is to let myself go numb. Is "numb" a place I should dare to go? What Love has ever grown in that state? At least numb would let me function, as opposed to the basketcase I have become by allowing myself to feel all this pain. Both feeling and unfeeling will not let me move forward to the place I need to be. Isn't there a happy medium? Why can't I choose what to feel and what not to feel?
My mind keeps escaping to that deep chasm I swore it would never dwell again. Perhaps two people in existence know what place I speak of. It's a place I lived two and a half years ago, and only through the grace of God, the innocence of my daughters and the help of a dear friend who refused to let go of me in my darkest hour was I able to make it out. I know in my heart things could be worse. I have three beautiful blessings in my life as long as I can manage to not screw that up. I just need to find the place in my mind where that type of Light illuminates even those darkest corners to which I continue to retreat.
I can't wait to read! I just got out of the hospital where I had NO INTERNET service, and I wanted it so badly to keep up with your blog. In the words of The Terminator "I'll be back." I JUST got through the door,only about 5 min, and your blog was the FIRST PLACE I went.
ReplyDeleteIn our own personal darkness we can learn to "feel" our way through. Nobody offering a flashlight of hope is any more welcome than the pain we're feeling. Even though they mean well, giving words of encouragement often makes us angry because it seems as though they're saying "There's no reason to feel the way we feel." We often feel guilt for not seeing the sunny side of life. We're NOT READY to see it. We're not done feeling the pain.
ReplyDeleteI want to swallow an "I don't give a crap pill" that will make me not hurt so much. I'd like to be more like Spock and Data sometimes. It's a shame that when we do care, we're the ones always doing the hurting. I love the "amens" when the person amening is the one who needs to hear and act on what we've said. The bigger your heart gets, the more area the heartless have to stomp on. That's a shame. THE END
ReplyDeleteThis may not have been an "I need a pep talk" post, but I sincerely appreciate and admire your vocalization of feelings, even the dark ones. I know how to hide behind my own veil of darkness, but at times it's great and uplifting to get it all out to know that you're not alone. More often than not, I find the people I surround myself with are the people who "get it" and help me turn it all around. Look forward to being a frequent visitor here on your site. ~Megan
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