I already feel the fear and self-loathing working their dark magic on me. I didn't write at all yesterday. I used exhaustion as an excuse. Waking at 2 am wouldn't stop a normal person from accomplishing a daily goal, but I am no normal person. I have some excruciating things going on in my life right now. Most people are able to play through that type of pain, but I have a pessimistic nature and a tendency to give up. Those are not very useful tools for a woman trying to create herself from the inside out. How do I channel this into something I can use? That's what the most courageous souls do. They experience heartache, but they use it to their own benefit and to the benefit of others. I want to be courageous. I want to take this pain and fear and somehow use it to conjure a message of Hope, Perserverance and Love. I want to be one of those souls who create a glow which warms the cold and weary and instills a sense of Purpose and Light.
This is my war within, and today is only one of many future battles between Darkness and Light.
Don't even get me started on your not being courageous. You're a mom of 3 with a husband deployed. Every day you get up takes courage. First of all, STOP putting yourself down. You never give up! Don't even say that there are a lot of other wives in the same situation. No, they're not. Your situation is yours, and theirs is theirs. You're about to get me on a soap box. Have you not realized the encouragement you've given me and the impact you've made on me since we've been talking? You deserve a medal just for that. You've made me start "just thinking" about doing things, when before I probably wouldn't have it on a list that I WILL ATTEMPT! You've made me think of Cinderella's words, "I don't think I have any dreams left to dream." (Something to that effect) You've made me start thinking, which leads to dreaming. Now that's a gift! THANK YOU!
ReplyDeleteI'm not putting myself down. I am simply examining my true nature and trying to think of ways to make it work for me. It is as though I am working out a Math problem, only instead of long division this is my life. =-D
ReplyDeleteI concede! =-D You shouldn't have taught me that. lol Self-examination is necessary to find the cancers of life that can kill us before we've had a chance to live.
ReplyDelete